He was supposed to come to life drawing with me today.  We met up in the park in front of the law building.  As we sat and talked for a while.  We talked about how he’d only kissed a girl just once before, despite being in a string of very short relationships.  I wondered aloud if he had issues with intimacy.  He assured he didn’t - it was just he didn’t have much of an opportunity, and hadn’t met that many people he was truly interested in.

“Does this bother you?”

“Well, no… I just wonder why you never engaged in acts of intimacy with the girls you dated.  I would assume that you were attracted to them?”

“I guess it was Christian upbringing I used to follow. And the fact that I didn’t like those girls all that much.”

At one point, I remember sitting there, brow furrowed.  Thinking over what he said, and wondering how to probe him further.

I heard him say, “Hey, what’s the matter?”  And I saw him leaning towards me out of the corner of my eye.  I assumed he was just moving closer to talk to me.  But before I knew it, his hand was under my chin and he turned my face and then

he kissed me.

I was completely taken aback.  Completely.  I had a total mental blank and my heart was thudding and I was just in a daze.  It took my breath away.

“Why.. wow.. why did you.. you just kissed me.”

“I was thinking about it the whole time you were talking.  I just kept thinking about how much I wanted to kiss you.”

This brought up feelings of confliction.

I reluctantly brought up the subject of our ‘situation’.

It was an uncomfortable conversation.  We both knew it was messy.  And we both knew B could never find out - ever, ever.  We both knew we liked each other.  (Or I knew this, anyway.  He seemed unsure if I liked him.) But I told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship.

I gave him my idea: that we could just take things slowly, get to know each other, and perhaps try a relationship 6-7 months down the line.  After B had gotten completely over him.  He seemed unhappy with this solution, and said it would involve a lot of anxiety on his part - because he would not be able to have something he wanted.

He also said that perhaps we shouldn’t pursue anything, if I seemed to be having so many doubts.  I told him I’d be okay if he got over me and liked someone else in the interim.  And he told me it hurt to hear that.

Again, I felt conflicted.  ”I want to be with you. But I don’t know how I can.”

He held me, then.  A tumble of words came out of my mouth, then.  About how I was scared that my gut instinct would be wrong.  That he could hurt me immeasurably.  That I could lose myself in the relationship.  That I would be taken for granted.

“My ex… he really didn’t appreciate me at all.  He often took my for granted.”

“What? But I appreciate you so, so much.”

And later, “I would never want you to change who you are.  Your character is why I fell for you in the first place.  I would never change myself for you, either.  Well - there are some things I can and will change.  But I am who I am, and I’d want to be with someone who liked me for me.  Not for someone they wanted me to be.”

And later still, “I don’t want to say that I’d never hurt you.  Because I don’t know that.  You can’t predict that.  But I do know that I’d never want to hurt you, ever.”

And later still, “I know I’ve got my own issues.  But I figured you could help me through them, maybe.  And I know that I’d do everything in my power to be the best person I can be and work through them.”

In the end, we lay on the grass, trading silly and funny stories from our childhood.  It was nightfall, and it was a bit chilly (he gave me his jacket).  The park was so beautiful at night.  We both lay on our stomachs, and his arm was arm me, his hand on the back of my neck.  It was really nice.  We lay there for almost five hours, just talking.

When he eventually drove me home, I sat in the car, unwilling to leave.  He smiled at that.  The stereo was on, but he turned it off.

“You switched off the music..?”

“The music distracts me. I want to only think about you when I’m with you.”

After a moment, he leaned in to kiss me gently.  And then again.  And the third time, I gently slipped my tongue in.  He pulled back, a little surprised.

“Wow, that’s something new.”

I felt mischievous that I was showing him something unprecedented.  He tried another kiss, and used his tongue.  He obviously liked it.  And before I finally left the car, he planted a firm kiss on my lips, before saying goodbye.

Afterwards, I texted him: “There are so many thoughts going through my head.”

He replied: “Well. I feel good.”

Still recycling, I think.  I’ve been in a bit of a funk all morning.  I don’t know if it’s just because I’m exhausted (only had a couple of hours to sleep), but it’s as if there’s a fog hanging over my head.

On the drive to the airport, my thoughts were straying towards Bloppat.  I wondered how he celebrated New Year’s Day, without me, for the first time in five years.  He probably had a ball, though.  Probably partied hard with friends in Hong Kong, or wherever he is now.

When we drove past DFO, I felt a pinch.  I always used to go shopping with Bloppat there.  It’s so far away from my place - on the other side of town - so it was always such a novelty for me.  I haven’t been there since.

Once we got to the airport, I kept thinking of him.  How he’d been here just over a month ago, going through customs just like us, waiting for his flight just like us.  It was the first time he was boarding a plane on his own.  I wondered whether he was excited or nervous.  I wondered how he felt, embarking on such a huge trip.  I just kept putting myself in his shoes.  Aargh.

I’m here now, with my parents, waiting to board my flight.  I don’t feel excited about my trip.  I’m not thinking anything about teh trip itself - other than the return flight.

When I come back to Melbourne, he’ll already be home.  No more overseas trips (that I know of) to keep him away from me.  Once again, the likelihood of bumping into him will be present.  I don’t want it to happen.  I don’t want it to happen until I’m ready for it; and right now, I’m not ready.

I don’t want to see your face, Bloppat.  I don’t want to hear your voice.  I don’t want to remember that you exist.  Stay in the vacuum of my mind.